(Recent Secret Phone Call Between U.S. President Donald Trump and Iran Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei obtained by Real Fake News and rendered into colloquial English):
K: Hey Don, how’s it going?
T: Well, not all that great. But my ballroom and arch are gonna be great, the best in history. And the IRS can never investigate me and my family’s finances again! So that’s super cool. But look, can you help me get out of this mess with you guys that Netanyahu got me into?
K: Yeah, I’m sure I can help. Let’s see. Next week why don’t you fly in to Teheran on Air Force One. We’ll give you a huge welcome with American flags and everything. We’ll wine and dine you—you’ll love it. Bring Melania too! And then on Day Two, we’ll sign a peace treaty with lots of pomp and circumstance. You can even have the gold pen we’ll use. We’ll word it so that you don’t take any of the blame for the war—maybe we can even say that WE started it. The main points will be that Iran has total control of the Strait of Hormuz, and all the ships going through it will pay us $2 million per. And we can say that the U.S. will get $100 for each of those ships as its cut.
T: The gold pen! Now we’re talkin’! But you know I wrote The Art of the Deal, so I’m gonna play a little hardball here: We want $150 per month.
K: Damn, you really do play hardball. OK, what about $175?
T: Nope. I’ve got the cards. I insist on $150.
K: OK, you win, $150. Now on the uranium enrichment….
T: Ha, ha, gotcha there too Mo! No uranium enrichment for two full weeks, OK? And then only five nuclear bombs per month.
K: Don, please, man, can we make it seven per month?
T: OK, you guys are pretty good dealmakers too. Eight it is. Now Little Marco says you might want some replications. . . .
K: (Aside to Arash, his translator: Does he mean “reparations”?) Uh, yes, Don, we do need replications. Fifty billion ought to cover it.
T: Aw, come on man! Forty-nine five! My top offer. The taxpayers aren’t gonna like fifty, and some of it might have to come out of my ballroom budget.
K: I swear Don, you really DO drive a hard bargain. OK, forty-nine five. Yeah, all those Democrats in your country will have their tails tucked between their legs when this surren….uh, peace deal is signed. I’m seeing another Nobel for you! Those Democrats will know who came out on top—YOU. If only I had read your book maybe my country could have done a little better on the terms. But I know when I’m licked. Lookin’ forward to seeing you next week in Teheran!
T: Yep, you mighta done better if you studied my book. Anyway, sure glad I won’t have to wipe out your entire civilization now. Oh, by the way, could you lend us a few thousand barrels of oil for Air Force One for the flight over?
Kissinger’s Maxim
June 5, 2026 at 3:19 pm (Political Commentary)
(written May 8)
Henry Kissinger had a maxim: “The conventional army loses if it does not win; the guerrilla wins if he does not lose.” I’ll modify it slightly: Great powers in a conflict lose by not winning; lesser powers and insurgencies win by not losing.
Trump’s war of choice, one that he and Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel started, has: (1) caused Iran to successfully close the Strait of Hormuz, which was open before the war and would be open now if Trump had not chosen this war; (2) revealed Trump’s arrogance in that he ignored military advice that Iran would do exactly that; (3) killed the 86-year-old-Khamenei, but installed his son, presumed to be an even more militant leader; (4) caused the deaths, so far, of nine Americans; (5) dramatically upset world oil prices; (6) caused gas prices in my city of Hattiesburg to leap from $2.29 the day before the war to $3.89 today, seven weeks later; (7) saddled Americans and the world with higher prices for everything that is transported by truck, train, or plane using fossil fuels; (8) initiated a disturbing depletion of American Tomahawk missiles and other war materiel; (9) cost America a minimum of $27 billion according to the pentagon as of several days ago; (10) delighted Vladimir Putin as American attention and war assistance are diverted away from Ukraine; (11) strengthened China’s hand for the same reason, potentially encouraging its takeover of Taiwan; (12) delighted Putin further given the increased polarization of Americans; (13) reduced American sanctions on Russian oil and thereby increased income to Russia by approximately $150 million per day; (14) offended even further our allies who were never consulted about the war and were then insulted by Trump as cowards for not taking the lead in opening the Strait—an extremely challenging task in any event; (15) increased the likelihood that Iran will in fact now move forward to develop nuclear bomb capability, an outcome the previous ayatollah had resisted; (16) further blackened America’s international prestige as an ally and as a nation with sane leadership; (17) given our adversaries Russia and China a very good look at our military capabilities and limitations; (18) taught Iran that it has a different kind of nuclear weapon—permanently controlling the Strait and charging tolls for ships to pass through it for the foreseeable future; (19) killed or made homeless untold numbers of innocent Iranians who may have hated the theocracy but at least still had a home and their lives, and now may have an even worse leadership, with no end in sight.
And all for what? I cannot think of a single, not one, upside to this war. On virtually every single measure we as a nation and the world at large are worse off, with no counter-balancing benefit. The objectives of the war (other than the primary one of making Trump look strong and tough and etching his name gloriously in the history books) were to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, to effect regime change and liberate the Iranian people, to acquire its nuclear material, and to degrade its conventional military capability and its ability to further support Hamas and Hezbollah, thus undermining its goal of destroying our partner in the war, Israel. The last of these has been partially achieved; the others not at all. Worse, since the war started, a new objective has emerged, one that did not exist prior to the war, and one that makes the others secondary: opening the Strait of Hormuz.
War is notorious for defying predictions (especially about how short they will be). Perhaps that counter-balancing benefit will emerge. But at least right now it’s hard to see any positive outcome of this war. It seems to fit Kissinger’s maxim quite well.
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